What Do You Really Want

Zing Zing Zinging Away…

suji — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 12:31:31 +0000

Frugality, how our forebears built up the country that we(at least I do) call home.
Looking back at the previous post, where I was bandying about the list of wants, I wonder how much will I be able to contribute?
When living on borrowings, one can can either use it to consume or to invest.
If consumed, that’s it, no chance of being able to pay back the loan.
If invested however, at least there’s a chance of being able to pay it back!
Thus borrowing/lending is a risk.

Was/still am, considering to get a steep angled(78 vs current 74 degree) TT frame with a cockpit.
Looking at the cervelo p2sl 2008 @ 1k USD seems like a blatant consumption, rather than investment…
So perhaps to justify the cost(investment?), why not a fusion xcm TT aqua @ 1k SGD?
1k USD for frame, fork and seatpost alone, vs. 1k SGD for bike ready to ride (both w/o pedals)

Investing in the most intricate machine ever possessed by myself, myself.
As I told pingpong, if I do scrape up the $ to purchase the TT frame, I’ll only have time and the bike left…
So it’ll be secret training! Looping around LCK/coastal at nights?
No $ left for other things you see… heh
Expensive toys? Probably, if you buy it for the bling and don’t use it as well as you could.

The Korean Star Wong has Little Piranha on his soloist team, wonder what his p2sl is named as?
Would I be as crazy to name my bikes too? (I think I read somewhere that K named his Felicia!)
In the latter 2 weeks of December, I clocked around 600+ km, January 700km on Titan, only riding 5/7am.
If TT ever becomes a reality, I think that number will only go up and not come down?
One day I hope that a 70km loop with the JR will not be as taxing as it is today. 180km anybody? =p

Emotional support.
Zooming across the dam in the pre-dawn chill, beading perspiration as the twinkling lights reflect off the still dark waters, does have a calming effect on me.
Somewhere, I said that perhaps to go faster, is not to stress yourself out more, but to relax even further, if that is possible.
Up on Eric flyover, somehow the relaxation mode kicks in by itself and I ramp up into maximal spinning mode, zing zing zinging away…
With only the wind, the gears and the fighting off the specter of imminent lactic acid buildup, I feel freer.
Can never be free, if you’re generous, maybe only more free compared to normal…

Somehow crazily, I miss the tough, walled-in, tear less days.
It all seemed so straight and narrow.
The path of despair and despondency.
Dearth of warmth and comfy.

Is there an Eric flyover or Kranji Dam somewhere out there?
I bet there is. =)

This is one for ye olde emo days

suji — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 14:11:26 +0000

It’s almost what, a semester plus since?
I’ve found again the structure that gives my life the substance that I can gnaw on.
Anima sana in corpore sano I say, or someone that made a shoe company would say.
Disaster? It seemed like that from a narrow point of view at that point in time.
On hindsight? Perhaps I made a worse choice compared to the worst one. (wonder how that sounds?)
Reminders that were associated have since lost their potency.
I can bear them much better now compared to before.
Then again, others are still around.
Through no action/inaction of mine will I allow similar incidents to ever happen.
Never ever say ever, would you say? =)

Motivated cognition/decision making.
What makes one give up all others for just one.
I have come to that decision several times, but I get rebuffed all those times.
Still I continue to make the same decision after each rebuff.
Wonder where does this motivation of mine come from.
Must be mad. 0_o

Riding with the JR at 5am has brought me back from the brink of professed insanity from the irresolute emo days(or was it nights?) that I stayed awake, unable to sleep for hours on end, mind on hyperdrive that drove me to seek silent solitude.
LSD runs with P and gang has probably done me some good.
If not the hours pacing on the treadmill is my free time to zen out too.

Somehow C mentioned that pride perhaps has a role to play for me being the way I am.
Am I proud of what I went through, a rather not run-of-the-mill experience most privileged local kids won’t have?
Similarly, C also seem to understand why it seems that I don’t wish to say or reveal a lot of things a lot the times.
People like to belong.
Belonging allows sharing of common experiences, a breaking of barriers, a melding of individuality (with all it’s qualities and deficiencies) into a coruscating collectivity.
I would like to belong, but I only belong X-sectionally, not longitudinally?
My experiences cut across many “timelines” so to speak.
If you understand cohort effects, I cut across cohorts, so it is hard to pin any effects from any particular cohort to me.
I might be the posterboy for SISD, successive independent sample design! a combination of X-sectional and longitudinal design… (when I start to talk in study design terms…)

Well, each bunch that comes along has it’s own characters, it’s own stories and perhaps it’s own conclusion?
I find a subtle sufficiency whereby I am able to observe and still traverse the timeflow (objectively or subjectively? absolutely or relatively?)
Once I dive in however, all bets are off.
Influence can be a vicious beast.

In the end, I’m not looking for something that lasts a semester.
It’s impossible or nigh so, for me to understand that sometimes it doesn’t apply the same way.
Well everyone is different, what applies to me might apply differently to others.
In reality, that is usually the case, more often than not.

Fret not.
Yours truly will probably still be around.
Won’t be kickin the bucket any time soon, unless of course the good people die young urban legend thingamajig applies?
Then again, I’m not so sure I’m one of the good guys anymore.

Friends by Stephanie is on replay, ED2 for Gundam 00

Be glad to be in balance, running total for T: 570km

suji — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 06:58:12 +0000

70, 100, 30 = ~200km for the week.
My right heel tendon is feeling rather painful…
Time to ease up, it is the off season after all.

Booked myself a place to climb all of 33km of Genting from the foot to the summit, 16 degree incline I heard.
Maybe even need to get a new cassette with 26/27 at the back?
Try lo, 2 months to prepare.

Sundown marathon has given me the idea to run in the dark!
Since I’ll only bike 3 or 4 times a week, the other mornings at 5am can go running!
With blinking headlamp, bright clothes and all.

Slowly but surely, I’m accommodating to the gradual change in me.
I take life hard, but don’t relax hard enough.
This imbalance kept me on edge in the past.

Who cares, there’s training program, reading list, eye candy, friends & company…
Adequate food, restful sleep, I’m glad.

Thing is now how to afford the things I want for next year?
An alternate pair to add on to my only Levis jeans, DS Trainer XII, Speedplay Light Action/Zero , CS200Cad, BT keyboard, PMX70 “sweat” phones…
Well that’s where my pay goes to…
Else how to fund it all?

The day Titan came into my life ~ running total for T: 370km

suji — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 10:07:18 +0000

Last Saturday I got Titan and the rest is history.
30, 70, 30 ~ 130km right after I got the bike, was the 3 trial rides to dial in my position.
It was rather aerodynamic when in the drops, but in the end I gave it up for comfort.

3x 70km loops this week + 30km from Boon Lay to Hostel, ~ 240km for this week.
Sort of settled into a comfy position, minor tweaks still in progress.
Should I get clips instead of staying with platforms?
It’s not the bike that matters.

Sundown marathon beckons, triathlons too, Bintan & 70.3?

Somehow I still haven’t fully get over some stuff which I should have.
Sucky, but slowly and surely, actions will become habits and 5am rides means I got to sleep at 10pm! =)

Warlords with Melsan and eye candy.
Realized I haven’t been getting out much.
Wonder if W will be around to hang around with more, this holiday.
Battlestar Galactica, Family Guy etc… woot!

50+ and riding strong, these uncles are the real strong riders.
Like I tell them, the great bit would be when I turn 50+ and still be riding like the way they are riding now.

Titan.

The day my resting heart rate shot up

suji — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 02:22:50 +0000

1:52 chip time, an 11 minute cut from last year’s timing for 21km.
Hopefully with adequate nutrition, more aggressive time goal training, ie. racing the distance, I can hit a better time goal next year.
5:20 pace this year.
5:00 pace next year, ie 1:45 chip time or better.

Desaru was slightly hilly, rather windy and the best thing is, there’s no traffic lights!
Definitely a good place to train for TT, with rolling hills and crosswinds etc.

The day after wasn’t so good.
The day my resting heart rate shot up.
I looked exhausted, I felt exhausted… I think I was!
KOed at the twilight zone for 7 hours straight.
Thanks to S & S for the tea and the pillow.

Wonder if that is how it feels like after half IM.
Jogged 21km on Sunday, biked 60km each on Monday and Tuesday.
My shoulders ache, my butt doesn’t, I suspect it’s a bike fit issue.
P2SL here I come, fitted to me!

This is supposed to be a month of rest and recuperation.
Singapore Biathlon, Bintan Triathlon to look forward to for the next term.
To race comfortably fast and not crash the next day is the goal.

Finally off season after a slack 21km @ 2:03 gun time

suji — Sun, 02 Dec 2007 16:00:37 +0000

Went short Mandai loop with paulie & gang on Sat night after cult psyc, right before the 21km run.
Was a good idea, despite only getting back at 230am.
Would have been moping about being emo anyway.

This year’s edition was my second attempt at the 21km distance and I think I made some improvement.
Will have to consider changing training program to aim for a more aggressive timing goal.
2:03 gun time, is the same as my chip time for 2006.
Will have to wait to see how my chip time turns out.
Also considering time trial setup for half IM distance, ITT & TTT.

In the end I think all this to shore up the weakness in me.
I slip too easily into emo mode when I let myself go weak.
I am still too affected by what I feel I hold dear in my heart.
It pains me.

As a result, I recognize that I have 2 options.
Do something about it or shut up and suck it up.

Well the senior thesis topic is working out somewhat.
Culture, emotions and decision making.
Seems something that’s right up my alley.
Only interest will keep the commitment going.

10x .8 @ 40:15

suji — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 13:34:04 +0000

Did a set of 10x 800m @ ~5min/km pace.
Almost died… Raw endurance and aggressive time goals are different indeed.

Did another LSD 4x 5km negative splits in around 1:55 last Monday.
Went spinning on Friday for 80min and a short Mandai loop on Sunday.

Exam week makes me feel pukey.
Stress and overloading with junk food makes it worse.
I’ve not had junk food in a while, so having so much so quickly makes me extra pukey.
Sometimes I’m just glad that there’s people like chibi to talk with.
Beans and radish are healthy, hah, so are her cream cheese and oreo donuts.

It feels bad to feel good?
Boss says as long as I know what I’m doing, I should be fine.
Damn slack la, at this last lap before the term ends.

Every term I’ll have something cropping up to occupy my mind.
Maybe I don’t really have any QC like what S says.
Well, it’s getting better.
Forgive when you can.
I’m trying to, but it hurts less with each passing day.

It just feels weird, but hey, I’m still around, so are you.
As well as all those that came before you…

Spin Spin Spin!

LSD 18.2 in 1:45

suji — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 16:37:49 +0000

Another LSD run today, 18.2km before they switched off the machines.
I slept too much today, was late for class, was late for run.
And while zm asks if I gotten over being emo, I think I wasn’t being entirely truthful when I said yes.

I feel that since then I have traded in the old me for something else.
I am no longer the person that tries to fit in.
I am different, and I’m no longer afraid to be openly different.
If you want to understand why is there such difference, I’ll be glad to show you why.

I’m hungry to fill in that difference.
It gnaws at me from within and without.
I’m barely on top of it all the time.
It’s not my brain that needs work.
It’s all the other bits that needs developing.
Holistic development some say.

25min or less for 1500m is what would take R to come back to tri.
I wonder how long will I take for just 800m… 16min or more?

I still care too much to put things aside.
I guess I have to be firm and say that’s it means that’s it.
Unmasking what lies beneath the mask.

RU no. 02 in 4:29

suji — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 01:37:07 +0000

Second round ubin (RU) in 2 weeks.
It feels good, not that exhausting, yet very much fulfilling.
Must be because 4 guys & 1 girl, so we get a good reason to modulate the speed at which we’re going.
So it seems that we should get more people to come down!
Good exercise, good food after, and good enough to still leave time after for other stuff!

I think I agree with X, once people go beyond friends, yes and no becomes blurred and everything has the potential to end up in a mess.
Ha. I shall stick to what I do best!
A form of respect, WB would say, hmmm… Somehow perhaps I don’t subscribe to that school of thought?

Somehow I think chatting with chibi has started me on the path to straightening out myself.

It feels good to know that your friends trust you to be there, to be reliable when they need you.
Even if it’s just a nutella sandwich or a shoulder to lie on while we go over the details of our lives.
It’s weird to me, even if it’s not to you.

It’s really great to be back.
I’ll be seeing you around!

Looking back at the monochromatic days

suji — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 02:37:46 +0000

Life seems more colourful these days.
Even as the term draws to a close, I feel that I’m arriving towards a closer approximation to my most comfortable state.
Some other people would say that the pace is getting faster.
To me it seems that time is slowing down instead.
To something more flowingly fluid and graceful.
Neither sluggishly liquid like molasses nor churning, foaming like a river tipping off a waterfall.
I like this period in time, where I feel most alive.

Looking back at the monochromatic days, where everything seems sepia toned, makes me want to ask myself:
What difference is it?

Usually we would hear of instances that mentally we want to do this, ie. mind wiling, but the body is weak.
For me, the reverse is usually more applicable.
The body can do it, only if the mental wherewithal is there to see it through.
Why the 19km on the treadmill last evening then?
It is to train my mind.

My mind is frail, weaker than it should be.
It needs some working on.
Perhaps the difference lies in the strength of the mind.
It was unable to see the colour that was there all this time…